Leap

After I graduated College with my BFA I was working as a product photographer. This is when I began nature traveling and camping A LOT. It became an addiction. I felt like I had been missing out my whole life. I couldn’t believe all these amazing places were a drive away. I had already decided I didn’t have what it takes to be a career artist and just keep painting as a hobby but someone (who would later become the LOML) commented on one of my posts “I wonder if you’ll paint these places” I was like oh yeah that could be fun and brought my paints along.

For the first time, in a long time I enjoyed painting for the sake of it. It wasn’t an assignment and I wasn’t being judged. I finally felt free and it became a therapeutic thing. I could appreciate every intricacy  of nature in a way that I couldn’t do with photography. Sitting in that environment getting lost in the landscape just hits different. Almost makes you cry. I fell in love with the act of painting all over again. I thought to myself..what if I could do this all the time, what if I could actually get paid to paint?

Nah that’s dumb.

Later on I had visited the downtown artwalk. I was hoping to feel inspired but instead left feeling sad AF. As I walked though the artists studios I realized I wasn’t doing THAT. It was a heavy sadness and anger at myself. I was such chicken shit, if they’re doing it why couldn’t I?

Then the pandemic. All of 2020 I went above and beyond for my employer and by end of the year they told me I wouldn’t get a raise, because I was already making .25 over minimum wage. And thats when I decided, it was TIME. I would rather be broke taking a chance on myself than continuing to work somewhere I didn’t feel appreciated. Just about everyone gave me their advice: Go part-time, do it later after you're established, Are you sure you want to do this? etc. And I wasn’t sure I kept backing out and prolonging my quitting.

Jan 2021. I officially quit!

I almost barfed on my way out. Where was I even going? What the hell do I do now?

It wasn’t a smooth transition. I struggled with guilt so bad. I felt guilty seeing everyone go to work and I’m over here thinking I’m going to be an artist. I felt like a privileged asshole. How long could I keep up this fantasy? My parents did not fully support my decision at first and I kept getting defensive with them daily. My own doubts were being spewed back at me and made the fear even worse. Well… if it didn’t work out, I can always go back to regular work. I gave myself a year, for something to happen.

I decided to follow the signs…

My friend talked me up to her tattoo artist, he was looking for apprentices. I thought this was my sign. I was on my way. Shadowing and learning everything. By the end of the month they told me that they couldn’t keep me and I took that as a sign too.

The weight of not having a job had me applying everywhere still. It helped lower the guilt and I could tell my parents I was “trying”. I interviewed for a job as hospital photographer…a florist shop..nothing was hitting.

Meanwhile, I was painting as much as possible. I went on self-prescribed “Missions”. Painting as if it was my job. I would go to the parks, hills, lakes, hike and paint. I started applying for every single art call and residency I could get my hands on but still no luck.

I was 6 months in and beginning to feel discouraged. I was burning through my savings so I started dog sitting and selling everything on Offer Up. I was selling paintings for 0$ or 1$. And felt I was going to have to beg for my job back soon.

One day while visiting a friend in Arizona I had seen a landscape painting in a closed gallery window and said “I want to paint like that! ” I looked up the artist: Bill Cramer. I saw he was teaching a workshop at the Grand Canyon that I couldn’t afford.

That following month I was in Sedona visiting a friend. It was a super snowy day and I was looking for something to do while they were at work. I opened up instagram to see a post from Sedona Art Center promoting works by Bill Cramer. Perfect.

The receptionist told me about his paintings and his workshop. I said “Yeah cool but I couldn’t afford it”. She said they have scholarships and all I had to do was send an email. It was a friggin miracle.

Few months later, I was painting sunsets at the Grand Canyon while drinking wine and seeing a California condor fly above our heads. Bill took me aside and with a serious tone and said I had real talent, I expressed my fears and doubts and he told me it was possible and so I decided to believe him.

When I got back I opened an email from UCR saying I got accepted to the Latino and Latin American Research Studies Center as one of their Artist-in-Residence!

I cried. For the first time in my life I would get paid to paint. I knew then everything was going to change. I really felt it.